Ever catch the juicy scent of road kill turkey wafting through your nostrils?
It’s almost too much to handle. The influence of devouring “un-alived” turkeys has already spread wide with people morphing into mindless zombies who chase down turkeys in search for this precious meat.
Though smushed turkey is a delectable taste on its own, the real draw is the tire marks etched into the turkey’s feathers. It’s what really brings the flavor down to earth.
“I like them road killed,” junior Kenneth Fong said. “I think it’s normal to be interested in [roadkill turkeys] that way.”
The biggest and baddest question that should be addressed is whether eating roadkill is indeed ethical.
It may taste good, but is it right?
Sophomore Alexander Holm prefers to take a kind eye on the turkey side of things, declaring that he would in fact not eat road kill turkey. He went on to clarify that he doesn’t like eating turkey in general and road kill is probably contaminated.
But others may argue this new type of cuisine provides certain benefits.
“Teachers don’t get paid enough, and saving money is really valuable in this economy,” marine biology teacher Jacob Martin said. “So, if you can get free turkey, it’s fresher than what they have at the grocery store.”
The turkeys may be offended by this statement. Becoming a pile of meat on the side of a highway is probably not high on their bucket list.
Junior Arianna Vasania was asked to think like a turkey, since no turkeys consented to being interviewed for this story.
“I would like.. freeze,” Vasania said. “[Because] a car’s coming at you and you don’t know what you’re doing and you just freeze there. Like what the hell do I do?”
Senior Smrethi Shunmuga Krishnan chooses her brain over her heart in this situation.
“If you want to [eat road kill turkey], then go for it. It’s already dead, like, who cares?” Shunmuga said. “What’s the difference if it gets killed by a knife or a car? It’s still dead.” Fong agrees. “I mean, it’s ethical,” Fong said. “Honestly it’s like if you let them die, it’s a waste of precious nutrients.”
Martin calls turkeys out for their actions, too.
“You have three jobs as a turkey: eat, mate and don’t get hit by a car,” Martin said. “Die by a noble, natural death of a turkey. If you get hit by a car, you deserve it.”
It’s a fact that turkeys commit minor crimes everyday, without any thought to those around them. Swaggering turkeys can shamelessly be found jaywalking around campus all the time.
In order to look toward high moral standards for society, it may be necessary to begin locking turkeys up. Not just for their own safety, but also in the name of order and law.
Countless lives would be saved if new measures were taken, especially with road kill lovers lurking.
The “ethicalities” of the situation appear to vary drastically from person to person.
Junior Brandon Treyes said if he was a turkey and saw the end nearing, his final words would be, “Gobble… gobble.”