It’s that time of year again, seniors. Time to turn off locations on every platform, count our darts, and explode Nerf’s stock for another 12 months.
Yes, that’s right, Assassins is back and as a participating senior, I have never been more terrified.
The concept of two randomly selected teenagers following me around and tracing my every move until they brutally murder me with Nerf pellets is genuinely horrifying. Of course, I am also stalking two other teenagers to do the same thing, but it’s OK when I do it.
I guess the thought of playing a Hunger Games-type of game for weeks on end didn’t discourage us from paying $20 to play. There were more than 200 two-person teams that entered the game last month hoping to win the grand prize of $1,993.48 (I did the math). Our odds improved when only 43 teams ended up making it to round two.
Please take a moment of silence to remember our fallen soldiers. To all the victims’ families, I am so sorry for your financial loss. All that money wasted on Nerf guns just for your kids not to make it past the first round is sad. I’ll send my thoughts and prayers, although I wouldn’t have to if your kid could make it past round one…
The only winners here are the godfathers, who get to walk away unscathed. The godfathers oversee the entire game: the rules, who’s in and who’s out, whether shots are legal or not, etc. All they really have to do is argue with 17-year-old boys for a couple of weeks and they take home $1,000.
People on Reddit do that every day FOR FUN.
To the godfathers: No one’s lurking around your home at night ready to shoot you the second you try to take out the trash, and you still get a fourth of the cash. You might as well call yourselves President Snow, you tyrannical monsters.
I will say that this game really exposes people’s true colors. It shows you that you can’t trust anyone. I’ve seen year-old relationships hang in the balance when someone is assigned to kill their significant other.
A friend of mine was lured out by the temptation of a fake double date, just to be shot in the back, literally. Can you imagine the betrayal?
On the other hand, I’ve seen acts of true loyalty to protect fellow loved ones. On the first day of the game, I spent hours on a stakeout outside a soccer practice just to be seen and snitched out by my target’s families.
Unfortunately for me, the entire team was able to help their friend out after the warning and she escaped the hands of death to live another day. I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
By the way, no one ever mentioned how thrilling, yet dehumanizing, crouching behind a dumpster and stalking people to find out their weaknesses would be. I felt like Joe from “You”. I had my own inner monologue and everything.
It also was a lot of fun playing into people’s traps for some reverse psychology action. When you’re clocked into work, any shot against you is automatically deemed void.
By staying clocked in at work and luring my assassins out, I avoided death a total of three times, further proving my theory that I am in fact immortal. I had to pretend like I didn’t know anyone would come to shoot me in order to keep getting intel from the inside. If I didn’t, then my target would get suspicious and stop leaking information.
I guess now is the perfect time to tell you, Katie, that Sam was playing you the whole time. Sorry.
To all the juniors, sophomores and freshmen who are excited for their senior year so they can play Assassins, here’s some advice coming from experience. First, drive home with your eyes glued to your rear view mirror in case someone’s following you to find out where you live. Second, don’t have a job because you’re dead as soon as you clock out. Third, do not post your BeReals because they expose your location and leave you vulnerable.
Lastly, this is Assassins, not time to be all sentimental. Adopt a kill-or-be-killed mindset or prepare to lose. I bet you hadn’t even thought about all that yet.
If you couldn’t tell, I have been extremely paranoid lately. But you only get one senior Assassins and that prize money is truly to die for.
May the odds be ever in your favor class of ’23. I’ll see you in first place.
Just kidding. I got bought out for 30 bucks. What can I say? Money talks.