There are some places that people are just not meant to venture into. Forbidden places like he Vatican City archives, Bing, and page 2 of Google.

Among these locations is one so menacing that I am afraid to even mention it: Cal High’s bathrooms.

I’m not sure what it is, but It’s like the bathrooms are a magnet for all kinds of bizarre behavior. I understand that sometimes the bathroom is the most convenient place to do things in some situations, but can’t people choose more sanitary places for their hijinks?

Like maybe the dumpster or beneath the stairs. Both are infinitely more clean than the bathrooms.

The other problem is that I have the tendency to stumble into some of the weirdest situations in there when I least expect it. Like when I ventured to the main building second floor bathroom and saw a guy doing pull-ups on the stall frame. I was going to ask him if that was safe, but later decided against it, because I was afraid of the power that man wielded. 

There was another time in the second floor restroom where I saw at least five guys stride confidently into the largest stall and start rolling dice on the bathroom floor. I don’t really understand the logic behind that one, but to each their own I guess. As long as they keep those dice far, far away from me. 

One more terrifying encounter I had in the third story bathroom was when I sauntered into one of the stalls, thinking nothing was amiss. I was then greeted by what I can only describe as a Picasso drawing gone wrong, as there was graffiti on every side of the stall interior. The “art” was of what I think was a buff hammerhead shark having a staring contest with an insane asylum escapee.

I wish I was joking, but I still see that drawing in my nightmares.

Another event I witnessed took place in the first floor bathroom this time. There I was minding my own business when I walked into the room and saw a competition taking place. Two guys were standing in the middle of the bathroom, slapping each other repeatedly, staring at each other without even flinching. 

Concerningly, both of their faces were red on one side, meaning they were slapping each other for quite a while before I entered. I was this close to asking them if I could join, as who doesn’t love a good slap fight? 

While this next anecdote didn’t take place in the bathrooms, I still think it should be mentioned. Just the other day I was walking to the front entrance just when school ended, when I saw a kid climbing the pipe connected to the awning in the courtyard. He then proceeded to do several pull-ups on one of the pipes, as I looked on in concern and awe. 

So, if I had a nickel for everytime I saw a student do several pull-ups on a structurally unsound object, I would have two nickels. It’s not a lot, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice. 

There was one encounter that I remember vividly, back in my freshman year. It was just a few months into the semester and I ventured into the fist floor bathroom. In the corner, sitting by the urinals was what I can only assume was a senior holding at least 14 oranges in his arms. Not doing anything in particular, not looking at his phone or admiring his vast collection of Vitamin C orbs, just content in the world holding his oranges.

Believe me, I wanted to talk to this guy, this enigma. I mean, think about what vast wisdom a person like that has. What mysteries of the world does a guy with 14 oranges have the answer to? Unfortunately, I am not wise, and I instead chose to book it in the other direction. 

So, from all the things that I have witnessed, I have come to the only reasonable conclusion. The bathrooms are the Florida of Cal High.