I am finally old enough to apply for a summer job, but I find myself with a problem that some students might be able to relate to. 

The problem is I don’t think I have done anything remotely useful for about a year, and I don’t think many employers would like to see “professional couch potato” on my resume.

Like some students, my work ethic hasn’t been great since quarantine began. Now, I put the “pro” in procrastination. Spending more than a year with little to no responsibilities other than school has not prepared me for the horrifying reality that is life. 

So what’s an incredibly lazy man to do when it comes to finding a job this summer? There’s always the option of just not getting a job this year, and staying a professional paperweight. I’m pretty good at that.

But here’s the thing – I like money.

My plan is to find a job in which I can apply the minimum amount of effort while receiving a maximum salary. Fortunately, I found some options that fit my criteria. 

#1 Hotel bed tester: This job seems almost perfect. Are you telling me that I get to sleep in a comfy bed, and the hotel will pay me as well? I see this as an absolute win-win.

#2 Sleep study participant: Evidently, the industry that is interested in watching me sleep is larger than I had originally imagined. Kinda creepy to think people will watch me sleep, but if I get paid I’ll be alright with it.

#3 Ice cream taster for hire: Due to my, uh, lethargy, and a never-ending hunger, I consider myself something of an expert in this area, so I think I would do pretty well.

#4 Crossing guard: You ever see that guy standing by construction zones just holding a sign that reads SLOW on one side and STOP on the other? I envy that man and what he stands for.

#5 Astronomer: To my knowledge, this job requires a higher level of education than high school. But I am very skilled in the art of looking blankly at something for long periods of time hoping it will change, so maybe someone can make an exception.

#6 Housesitter: The one thing better than being lazy in my own house is being paid to be lazy in somebody else’s house.

#7 Plant caretaker: This job is very similar to house sitting, except for the part where I don’t have to talk to and water plants. Hopefully, the plants don’t talk back to me (or worse, make me change their diaper).

#8 Furniture tester: The only difference between this job and my day-to-day life is that I will actually get paid for being a couch potato. On the plus side, I don’t have to pay for the furniture if I break it.

#9 Mourner for-hire: I already look the part of somebody who hasn’t slept in days, how hard could it be?

#10 Fortune cookie writer: I already have tons of useless advice in my mind. All I have to do now is put that on paper and get paid.

During the process of writing this, I’ve encountered an issue. I’m too lazy to go out and apply for any job, and figuring out all these options have left me exhausted. I’ll just hire somebody to do it for me. Or, of course, I can settle for the last remaining option:

#11: Washed-up high school newspaper columnist