This issue my editors insisted that Donald Trump was running for president. Funny, I thought he was running as a joke.

But our favorite dude with the do has rescinded his bid for presidency to my great disappointment. Even so, I for one will be marking a little spot for Trump-Dawg on my ballot this 2012.

America has had its fair share of presidents, and each one used something special while campaigning to win the race.

Obama ran with special slogans like “Change,” Bill Clinton ran away from his women and Theodore Roosevelt just whipped out his big stick and dared others to enter the ring.

While these methods may have been successful, America requires someone with more dignity, someone with more profundity, someone with thick, glowing locks that ripple with simmering sensuality. America requires Donald Trump.

But the Trumpmeister is well known for other things besides the hair of a Greco-Roman demigod.

For instance, he is known for his money, that TV show where he shows off his money and fires people, his nice suits which show that he has lots of money, that business he has that makes him lots of money, and a pretty wife who cost him lots of money.

Many Americans have criticized Donald Trump when he demanded to see President Obama’s birth certificate, and President Obama’s college grades.

But in my opinion, we shouldn’t be so hard on Trump. He is getting a little old and it’s hard for him to read things on that fancy picture box with the moving shapes and colors that all the young whippersnappers are talking about, so he asked to read it in person.

People who criticize the Trump have yet to fully understand the benefits of having that glorious hair at the head of our nation.

Donald Trump’s distinct intolerance of other peoples and cultures is a refreshing change of pace for America, as there’s no way to be a world superpower until you know whose holy book is filled with bad juju.

Trump is rather like your favorite uncle, mildly threatening and blatantly racist, but he always gives you cards on your birthday with more than 20 bucks in them, so you love him anyway.

Trump-Daddy’s act is so good that he should partner up with Charlie Sheen and hit WWE Smackdown as the tri-winning tag team.

So this 2012, before you vote, remember there will be hell toupee if Donald Trump is not elected president.

This story was originally featured in the May 2011 issue of The Californian.