I hate “Cats”. Never before has a movie marinated me into a boredom induced coma, complete with shock and outright fear, until now. 

Let’s take a journey into the trenches. 

“Cats” is a musical turned live action movie. It is by far one of the worst  movies ever bestowed upon the human race. People who view “Cats” will be subjected to the horrors of  cinema gone wrong. Its toxicity can be matched only by the inhabitants of New Jersey.

According to Rotten Tomatoes, “Cats” features a “fur-midable” cast, which is somewhat true. It also has a lowly 20 percent rating. Yikes. 

 Idris Elba is a great actor, just not in ‘Cats’. He plays Macavity,  a wack cat that wears a hat. Imagine “The Cat in the Hat”, but it’s the scary Idris Elba version.

The same goes for Rebel Wilson. She is everything we wish Melissa McCarthy could be, but again, just like Elba, she is awful in “Cats”.

I am not even going to delve into the details of the rest of the cast, as I can’t bear to slander the fine names of Judi Dench, James Corden, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Hudson, and for some reason, Jason Derulo?

Chase the bag, mate. 

Now for the plot. “Cats” has a trippy one, and I’m pretty sure T.S. Elliot was on some sweet World War II sarin gas when he wrote the original musical.

“Cats” is supposed to be energetic and fun, and sure, it is. But it is lacking the meat and potatoes of a good movie. 

The acting is bizzare, borderline creepy, the scenes are clunky and scary and furthermore, the CGI is offed within the graphics department. 

When I look at a cat, I see a cute furry blob of happiness. They inspire joy and are a pleasure to be around and own.

When I see a “Cats” cat, I see what looks to be the offspring of human and furry, in dire need of euthanization.

Wilson’s character Jennyanydots The Gumbie Cat literally sniffs another feline’s bum, and to make the shot happen.  Wilson actually kindled her nose up to Robbie Fairchild’s hynie and took a whiff. 

So not only was “Cats” a live action musical, but it technically is also a Japanese adult film. 

Throughout the movie weird things continue to happen as the Jellicles,  who are definitely not a cult, prepare for the Jellicle Ball, which will give one lucky feline the chance to enter the Heaviside Layer, so one cat can drink the Kool Aid, die, and go to kitty heaven.

 Again, nothing weird to see here, just kitties doing their best Jonestown impression.

As the movie progresses, cats get kidnapped, use magical powers and sing totally epic songs. Yet again, totally normal things that cats who definitely aren’t cult members do. 

In the end, a cat named Grizabella is the Jellicle who takes the leap into the Heaviside Layer, and I mean wow man, this might actually be a feline sacrifice. Top quality content.

So to reiterate, a bunch of cats competed against each other by dancing, singing, getting extremely inebriated on catnip, and using witchcraft to summon each other, all for the common goal of having the chance of being a literal sacrifice. Satan would be proud. But I digress. 

As for money, the very thing that drives Hollywood, it was in abundance during production. Somehow, $95 million was budgeted for this “catastrophe” of a movie. Yes, $95 MILLION, the equivalent of 731 hush payments from Donald Trump to Stormy Daniels, or 10,445 smart cars. 

And with a hefty budget, “Cats” failed to make back the money. It has grossed $69.9 million, truly a flop by every metric. It is a meme, a financial disaster and a poop stain on the IMDB pages of many actors and director Tom Hooper. 

“Cats” is a disgrace. It does not deserve existence, let alone recognition. It is the idolization of a feline cult, and as such I urge the world: don’t drink the Kool Aid. Watch a sunset or stare at a picture of Steve Buscemi.  Whatever you do, just don’t watch “Cats.”