Oh boy, what an incredibly unpredictable year of  basketball it’s going to be. It’s not like there’s only two or three teams that can actually win the title. 

Wait. Hold up. My editor is telling me that I used the exact same lead to this story as last year’s piece. 

Well, who cares. With the NBA season tipping off tonight, it’s now time for season two of my completely useless hater’s guide to the NBA season. Enjoy. Again.

Atlanta Hawks: Drafting a cocky, extremely risky, potentially over-hyped player out of Oklahoma State in the first round? I have definitely not seen this happen in the NFL this year. 

Boston Celtics: Years of brutally taking advantage of the Nets’ draft picks have finally garnered the discount version of trying to grow talent into a super-team like the Golden State Warriors. Now with LeBron finally done terrorizing the East, you might win two games against the Warriors. 

Brooklyn Nets: Oh my god, you guys finally have control of your own draft picks. 

Charlotte Hornets: There’s no enthusiasm in this team this year. There’s also no enthusiasm for Cal’s homecoming this year. 

Chicago Bulls: Pro tip, if the Sacramento Kings offer $78 million to sign one of your players, you shouldn’t then up that amount and pay $80 million to keep him. Congrats, you spent all your money on Zach Lavine. Jesus, you’re stupid. 

Cleveland Cavaliers: So LeBron finally had enough of single handedly carrying this team. As with any sports team in Cleveland, enjoy the fall back to irrelevance. At least the Browns won a game this season. 

Dallas Mavericks: Everyone on this team is old as dirt

Denver Nuggets: You’re in the West, stop trying to pretend like you can contend. 

Detroit Pistons: Eighth seed in the East, moving on.

Golden State Warriors: Do I really need to explain this? With the addition of Boogie Cousins, Steph Curry can now assemble all six infinity stones into the infinity gauntlet. Thus, with  a snap of his fingers, Curry makes half the NBA franchises disappear from relevance and back to the dark chasms of lottery picks.  

Houston Rockets: Let’s sacrifice all our defense and bench players so we can overpay for Chris Paul’s contract and sign a washed up Carmelo Anthony. This totally doesn’t have the potential to completely backfire if Paul gets injured (again). You still aren’t beating the Warriors. 

Indiana Pacers: You managed to have a loose trade asset suddenly explode into your next franchise cornerstone. Indiana celebrates while Oklahoma cries in their sleep. 

LA Clippers: Being the forever little brother of the true LA team in the Lakers, it is not worth my time to write something about this team. 

LA Lakers: When I said that Magic Johnson opened Pandora’s box and unleashed the swarm of locusts known as Lakers fans last year by drafting Lonzo Ball, I couldn’t have been more wrong. That was just the warning shot. 

The real terror has not descended upon us as millions of Lakers fans now have woken up and unleashed civil war on all of LA over the arrival of LeBron James. With Kobe and LeBron fans now openly destroying murals and fighting in the street, it is only in our best that we get it over with and launch a nuke at this franchise. 

Memphis Grizzlies: *Yawns*

Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade returns for one last season? 

Milwaukee Bucks: Please stop wasting the career of the Giannis Antetoicantspellhisnametosavemylife.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Jimmy Butler will probably get traded by the time this comes out.

New Orleans Pelicans: Please trade Anthony Davis to a real team. 

New York Knicks: Just a dumpster fire. Nothing to see here. You might get Kyrie next year though. 

OKC Thunder: Regular season Russell Westbrook disappears into nothing come playoff time. 

Orlando Magic: I wore a Magic jersey to Rolling Loud. That is probably the only good thing I can say about this franchise. Oh yeah, also Mo Bamba was drafted by this team. It’s not just an overplayed song guys. 

Philadelphia 76ers: Who would win in a fight? Ben Simmons or a three point line? 

Phoenix Suns: After Devin Booker scores 70 points in one game, people thought he was the second coming of Kobe. Because of this, he now transcended across popular culture. 

Yes, I do not need to be reminded that Drake used his name in a song: “Wet like I’m Book.” I get it guys. Now shut up. But even I have to admit he’s a good young player with a lot of poten….. You gave him a $158 million contract extension? That means his salary alone will eat up 30 percent of your cap space for the next five years.

Portland Trail Blazers: First round playoff elimination is imminent. NEXT. 

Sacramento Kings: Fun fact: there’s more hype at the Cal High rallies than at Sacramento Kings home games. 

San Antonio Spurs: Kawhi Leonard sat out for the entire season and got exiled to another country.  

Toronto Raptors: Trading your franchise player for a one year rental? And I thought the Khalil Mack trade was bad. 

Utah Jazz: Donavan Mitchell was the REAL rookie of the year. 

Washington Wizards: You can clearly see I got lazy with the guide for the last five teams. So, I’ll just use this last spot to remind every 49ers fan that their prophet Jimmy Garoppolo was paid $27.5 million this year only to tear his ACL in Week 3. 

Finals prediction? Can we just skip the regular season and watch the inevitable Celtics-Warriors finals with the Warriors easily completing the three-peat?

I hate the NBA.