Name: Sophia Chan

Position: Artist 

Teacher: Sean King

Anyone who’s had the privilege of being in Sean King’s class will be very familiar with the man’s aptitude for monologues. It’s as if he’s in a one man play every day of his life. 

Now imagine that, but upon a stage, with a script instead of just being weirdly lengthy rambles about his dog or children. I would pay good money to watch that. 

Mr. King’s capabilities as an English teacher would enable him to interpret any role he played with emotion and depth. He could teach the audience in a new way about literature by acting it out. And this time he couldn’t assign an essay about the rhetorical devices used.

Of course, we couldn’t make any alteration to his appearance. Taking away the omnipresent shorts and iconic beard would be worse than drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa with Sharpie. 

The beard would add a new depth of emotion to any role, and its impressive size will draw the audience’s eye to our star player. 

Name: John Symak

Position: Staff Writer

Teacher: Nicholas Patton

Nicholas Theodore Patton would be a perfect candidate for the lead actor in Cal’s next play. Mr. Patton already has extensive experience with acting and singing, and his boisterous and extravagant mannerisms make him perfect to play a character like Jay Gatsby.

Although his talents would be better suited in a musical performance, his ability to lead others also makes him a good candidate, as the lead actor has to lead by example. 

He also has a good sense of humor, which would be another reason why he would make a great actor, particularly for comedy shows, but he also has the ability to be serious and stern, meaning he could play more serious roles too.

Mr. Patton would be a very versatile and skilled lead for our next play. Maybe next year we’ll see him take the lead in the stage production of “The Greatest Showman,” or “The Little Mermaid, a One Man Show,” or better still, “Cats.”

Name: Cameron Harris

Position:  Managing Editor

Teacher: Gary Triebwasser

Gary Triebwasser would make the perfect lead in any play you’d throw at him.

He will study the script like his honors students study precalc, except he won’t cry when it seems impossible.

He can sword-fight like no other, as years of using his golf club have allowed him to transcend the abilities of normal humans. 

Chances are, any of the music used in the play he will know  line for line, as long as it was released between 1962 and 1975.

No matter how stressful the play gets, Trieb will be sure to give plenty of life advice to his cast mates, including why craps is the only profitable game in a casino.

The most important part of Trieb’s repertoire is his unflinching positivity. No matter how dire or crazy things may seem, he always has the most helpful, calming perspective on the situation. Just remember, you get a C because you deserve it, not because you are stupid.

Name: Kiley Borba

Position: Staff Writer

Teacher: Jessica Melvin

You can picture it. The stage is set and it’s a full house tonight, mostly because every one of her students there will be getting a hefty amount of Melvin money, 

This is either a fantastic idea or a horrid one, depending on her amount of stage fright. 

The audience is ready for the intensely passive aggressive performance, and anyone who isn’t a senior won’t really understand why everyone is clapping so loudly for what is at best, a performance of high quantity demand, but is  low, actual demand. 

Much like me writing this piece, only  the promise of that sweet sweet Melvin Money, and the chance of not having to take the essay portion of the final, is what made people willing to pay $10 per ticket.

Meanwhile Melvin, trying to decide if the insanely long commute lover to this place will be worth any of this, can be rest assured that if she forgets or messes up a line, she can blame it on the baby brain.