Name: Kiley Borba

Position: Staff Writer

Candidate: Alex Jones

When I wrote about this exact thing last year before the 2016 election, I called for the end of society.

 Now, I would like to take a step further and call for the DECIMATION OF IT.

Alex Jones will lead to this decimation. 

I want to wake up every morning and not know if whiskey will come out of my faucet when I turn on my water. I want to see the country’s currency change to crystals and supplements.

I want the clock to strike 1 p.m. and have it be the daily hour-purge.

We shall live in a world where drinking water will  give you the constant feeling of a lost sneeze.

Let’s do this. We have ascended to a post-parody society, but I would like to go further to a post-post non-society.

Let’s criminalize goblins and require all babies to have a fist fight after birth.

 I will be there with my Tide pods and onion rings and be ready to throw frying pans.

Name: Conan Maron

Position: Staff Writer

Candidate: Jeff Bezos

In a collapsing society where the new generation has put more emphasis on guzzling Tide pods than actually having any sort of productivity, one man stands poised to swoop in and take absolute control of the brain dead liberals who pathetically attempt to run our nation. 

Jeff Bezos has been (not so) quietly amassing control of industry in ways that would make even Rockefeller his slave. 

Bezos could honestly buy our country with his net worth at this point.

And his vice president could be Elon Musk. Any man who has a found a way to legally sell flamethrowers deserves full control of the United States military. We don’t need to develop technology for drones when we can use the combined forces of Bezos and Musk to rule the sky with Amazon air drones dropping packages of death at every doorstep. 

Jeff Bezos, death to the state, the Amazon empire will be our fate.

Name: Shirin Afrakhteh

Position:  Opinions Editor

Candidate: Britney Spears

It’s time America stepped up and realized the true icon that this country deserves. It’s time we break free of an age filled with dead-eyed politicians and angry Twitter rants. 

Indeed, it is time we recognized Britney Spears’ full potential as President of the United States of America. 

Britney has already proven her incredible ability to deal with tense and stress-filled situations, as shown by her awe-inspiring recovery after her breakdown in 2007. Any other mortal would have been broken after what she had gone through.

Anyone else would have given up on everything. But not Britney. She came back a glowing angel, a beacon of hope for all who admired her. 

And, like a phoenix reborn, she will be the beacon of light for the citizens of America, and lead them out of the toxic (wink) political climate that has plagued these past two years. 

This is the revolution we have been waiting for. 

Name: Mason Allen

Position: Staff Writer

Candidate: Tonya Harding

I believe that in this day and age if you want to be president you need to have a highly rated biography movie made about your life. 

And what biography movie based on an American already has three Oscar Nominations including Best Actor for it’s main actor?  That would be “I, Tonya,” a biography of former disgraced ice skater Tonya Harding. She may have what it takes to lead our country.

We need a president who will get stuff done and who isn’t afraid to break the rules to get ahead. We don’t care if controversy dogs her. As long as her opponent is controversial she  should be fine. 

No country would ever mess with us again. They know who she is and they know not to mess with her unless they want a broken kneecap. 

She’s the exact kind of person we need to run the country. No political experience but willing to beat the crap out of anyone who crosses her path.