Oh boy, what an incredibly unpredictable year of  basketball it’s going to be. It’s not like there’s only two or three teams that can actually win the title.

Across sweat soaked courts and shady management offices around the nation, let’s see how teams are preparing themselves for another year of complete mediocrity, disappointment, and flat out tanking.

Atlanta Hawks: Atlanta, thank you for pretending you could still be relevant in the NBA last season. Now take the reward of getting absoluting decimated during free agency.

For the important questions. Can you play basketball? If you said yes, I guess you can be a starter for the Hawks. If you said no, I guess you can still be a starter for the Hawks.

It amazes me how you guys can go from a 60-win team, to tanking in two years. Enjoy the consequence of years of first round draft picks because you decided to trade every single one of your good players.

Boston Celtics: You got Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward, so you might win maybe two games against the Cavs once playoffs roll around. Wait, Hayward smashed his leg into 10 pieces? You’re screwed.

Brooklyn Nets: The Nets and USA men’s soccer team have something in common. They’re both a complete embarrassment to this country.

Charlotte Hornets: You have Dwight Howard, you are screwed.

Chicago Bulls: You traded Jimmy Butler for some pocket change and some Wendy’s fresh never frozen beef. Robin Lopez is now your best player and I don’t even think he can comprehend how bad a franchise has to get for that to happen.

Bobby Portis suddenly decided to punch Nikola Mirotic in the face before practice. This franchise is going nowhere.

Cleveland Cavaliers: I can already imagine reading this ESPN article in January. Derrick Rose, “injured”; Isiah Thomas, “injured”; Dwyane Wade, “Ah what the hell he’s injured too.” Now please take another free pass to the finals and await your curb stomping by your Warriors overlords before Lebron decides to defect to the Lakers next year.

Hold up, you lost to the Magic, Pelicans, Nets, and the damn Knicks? Cleveland has officially hit the snooze button on the regular season

Dallas Mavericks: This current roster isn’t even going to sniff the playoffs because of the fact it’s still carrying the dead corpse of Dirk Nowitzki. Still not bad enough to tank for draft picks. Enjoy another year of unbearable mediocrity.

Denver Nuggets: You have that Nikola guy, and that other good player. You might make the playoffs this year. Oh wait, you’re in the Western Conference. Maybe not.

Detroit Pistons: There was so much promise for you guys to sneak into the playoffs last season only to completely collapse and get embarrassed in March. There was so much promise of the homecoming DJ to actually play a good song only to see him turn into a clown show in the last 20 minutes and get booed off the stage.

Golden State Warriors: Make way for the Golden State juggernaut that has single-handedly turned the NBA into an arms race we haven’t seen since the cold war. Other teams have drafted players that are developing into stars? We’ll just steamroll over their dreams.

Super teams being made to counter us? That’s cute, but we don’t care. Lebron? We’ll just slap the Cavaliers across the court in four games come playoffs. Steph Curry and Kevin Durant? Nah, make way for the unstoppable trio of Swaggy P, Javale Mcgee, and Zaza.

Houston Rockets: You got Chris Paul, who got injured already. Now remember James Harden, half the defense, twice the offense.

Indiana Pacers: You blew a 27-point lead against the Cavs in the playoffs, Larry Bird resigned as president, and your franchise got completely screwed over in a one-sided trade for Paul George. Here’s a participation trophy, a ton of wasted potential, and a ticket to the bottom of the standings.

LA Clippers: The Clippers, the most spectacular legacy of failure that the NBA has to offer. Even with Paul ditching this god awful franchise, Blake Griffin still decides to sign a massive contract extension with the entire franchise starting to completely collapse around him.

What happened the last time a star player signed a massive extension when the franchise is on the verge of imploding? Oh ya, you get Carmelo Anthony and the Knicks. It’s time you become one with the Knicks, Blake. It’s your destiny. And remember kids, you can’t win a championship if you never get past the second round.

LA Lakers: When Magic Johnson drafted Lonzo Ball, he unleashed the Pandora’s box of locusts known as Lakers fans. Every time Ball makes a layup, the fanbase is going to act like they’ve won the NBA finals.

People are complaining about the Warriors having bandwagon fans, but we’re going to need Noah’s Ark to contain the amount of Zo2 hypebeasts that have decided to come out of post Kobe hibernation. Can someone please control alt delete this fanbase?

Memphis Grizzlies: Your coach is more worried about old statues instead of realizing the most this team is going to do is get stomped in the first round of the playoffs.

Miami Heat: Insert joke about Lebron and 2012 here_____.

Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis Antetokounmpo will win MVP. I’m calling it.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Congrats, your management pulled some Trump-level negotiations and you basically stole Butler from the Bulls. Now that hyped up youth of yours might finally be good for a couple months before you get stomped by the Warriors or Spurs in the playoffs.

New Orleans Pelicans: Stop wasting the careers of Unibrow and Cousins and please trade them to real teams.

The New York Knicks: Phil Jackson is not my president. You are screwed and you’re a dumpster fire.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Congratulations, you managed to trade your way into getting George and Carmelo. Congratulations, you also sacrificed your entire bench in doing so. George is probably going to the Lakers next season, and you’re going to have to pray that Carmelo can score some 3’s. Still not good enough to beat the Warriors.

Orlando Magic: You are screwed. NEXT!

The damn 76ers: Joel Embiid has played in a total of 12.5 percent of his games since he was drafted, but he receives a $148 million contract extension. You may still manage to sneak into the playoffs before getting completely stomped.

Phoenix Suns: Well, we’re not even a quarter of the way into the season and you got blown out by 48 points in your home opener, blown out by 42 points against the Clippers, fired your head coach, and Eric Bledsoe tweets that he wants to get out of this franchise. Good luck next year.

Portland Trail Blazers: Look, it’s Damian Lillard and his band of getting swept in the the first round.

Sacramento Kings: Tickets for Kings games cost $15. I fill up my Prius for $25. Please relocate to a city that actually cares about basketball.

San Antonio Spurs: Kawhi is currently injured and the rest of the Western Conference is  completely stacked? You’ll probably still get the second seed.

Toronto Raptors:  O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free!

From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. We the North you say? We the second round playoff elimination.

Utah Jazz: I guess Salt Lake City is a bit “Salty” after Hayward left. Ha ha ha ha ha man I’m so funny, please give me an award.

But other than that, let’s name three incredibly boring things to watch: the Utah Jazz, anything in Salt Lake City, and the homecoming rally for California High School.

Washington Wizards: Sports teams in Washington have failed to make their respective conference finals in a collective 28 attempts. Kinda coincides with the current presidential administration. Always so close to doing something productive only to fall short at the last minute.

NBA season prediction: Why do I even care, it’s going to be the Warriors and Cavaliers destroying everyone with maybe the Celtics and Spurs putting up some kind of resistance.

Fine, you want a finals prediction? Warriors obliterate the Cavs in four games and Lebron ditches the franchise for the Lakers causing the entire city of Cleveland to sink into Lake Erie.

I hate the NBA.