While everyone is looking back at four special years and remembering all their great friends, I would like to take the time to remind everyone that not everyone you met was oh so perfect. Once again I take it upon myself to be the rainstorm on our parade, that one little voice that lingers and says “Don’t forget life can suck.” I now present The Senior Worsts.

Worst Guy: 

Walker Tippett

This man truly is a one of a kind creature, mainly because no one actually wants to be like him. If his constant smiling, laughing, and hugs are not enough to piss you off, his never-ending energy will definitely do the trick. His sense of fashion is atrocious, and the cheerleader outfit was actually a step up for him. Maybe he should spend less time respecting women and getting good grades, and more time working on his eight-year-old boy hair style.

Worst Teacher:

Troy Bristol

Putting aside his poor political views, lack of physical fitness, bad fashion sense, trash high school alma mater, poor music selection, nonsensical teaching methods, lack of any sort of a work ethic, ill advised party advice, all around lazy personality, disgusting school spirit, illogical morals, and mind numbing lecture style, I think we can all agree this guy’s class was a colossal waste of time.

Worst Newspaper Editor in Chief: 

Patrick McButts Retting

While this guy could have easily won in more than one category, I decided this facet of his annoyingness was the most important to address. Patrick’s multitudes of horribleness are something you have to see in the newsroom to truly understand. Patrick’s position as co editor in chief somehow filled his ego up with this false sense that everyone now wants to hear him talk all period long. 

It’s rather hard for people like me to slack off and take a nap when Mr. Big Wig is prancing around, rambling on about some insignificant and nonsensical iota of a story, that to be perfectly honest, nobody could care less about. I could only imagine the pain his family endures on a daily basis…

Worst Sporting Field: 

Ed Noble Field

After having enough time spent playing on this field, I have a well justified and deep seated hatred for every square inch of that land. One colossal safety hazard, this field has accounted for almost as many twisted ankles and hurt knees as the muddy trenches of the battle of Passchendaele. 

To sum up how poor the condition of this barely-playable field is, there is a piece of wood in right-center field. Yes, a literal plank of wood so that an outfielder running down a fly ball does not fall into a three foot wide hole that is so deep you can put your leg in down to your thigh. (I know this because I discovered the hole in this exact manner). 

Hopefully the prayers of the Cal baseball team will be answered and a stray bomb will destroy the field in the middle of the night and then maybe, just maybe, they will be able to play on a field that does not randomly shoot ground balls at your face, or that has more grass than dirt in the outfield. 

Or they will just play on the freshman field, which hasn’t had work done on it since Nam.

Worst Admin: 

Tim Ford

To understand this selection and create a valid argument one must first think like an admin. Think of everything an admin is at our school and what they are supposed to be. Now think of the exact opposite and you will get Tim. 

For one, he actually cares about the well-being of us students, even taking the time to give us all knuckles and say good morning. He also shows us respect and treats us like the soon to be adults that we are. 

He does not get caught up in the bureaucratic mess of our school, opting to avoid that whole ordeal. Lastly, he just keeps it real and tells it like it is. He is every student’s best friend and any admin’s worst nightmare.

Worst Bell: 

The First Bell

 While we seniors rarely hear this bell, we all know how annoying this sound can be. Despite only being a rather short and otherwise meaningless noise, this bell can mean a lot of things. It can mean you are about to get your second truancy letter. 

Or it can mean you are missing that quiz you “forgot” to study for. Maybe you are facing a potential detention. Perhaps you are just facing the heckling of that one guy in class that is always on time and makes fun of you for showing up late. 

Or it could mean you are in for a royal nagging from your mother for being late.  This bell probably just means it is time to actually get up,  roll out of bed and stumble your way to school for the umpteenth time.

Worst Car: 

Peter Van Loon

Every year, the Cal High parking lot is blessed with some very nice vehicle of all sorts. It is also has some not-so-nice automobiles thrust upon it. The worst of which this year has been the Van Loon Mobile. 

By the grace of god, this crusty old turd of a car somehow has the ability to keep turning on everyday so it can roll into the parking lot squealing like a pig. Truly a phenomenon of the automotive industry, one must respect the sheer willpower and motivation it takes to keep running and carrying Daddy Long Legs around so he can crush the dreams of Little Leaguers with his horrendous umpiring “skills”. 

Worst Mutant: 

Spencer Keller

Some mutants have claws coming out of their knuckles or psychic powers or blue skin or superhuman strength or incredible regenerative capabilities. 

Some mutants just have orange hair, pale skin, and an incredible ability to constantly annoy others around them with their presence. Spencer is less of an X-Man and more of a Y-Man because he always has people asking him, “Why the hell would you do that?” 

If you are going to annoy everyone, at least save the world from it’s impending doom on occasion to make up for it. Is that so much to ask for?

With all the deserving candidates for their respective categories, I could go on for days with the Senior Worsts. I mean I could have talked about (your name here), but I decided to refrain because that would just be unclassy.