Dear Brandon,

Hi, I’m a senior and I was wondering how I could make some friends. It’s been four years and although we will all be moving away after this year, I can’t stand the loneliness anymore. What should I do?

        Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Friends? Why would you want friends? Being alone is the same thing as complete freedom. 

Friends are overrated. Why should you be tied down to one social group? Have the freedom to do whatever you please without having to worry about any social norms. Plus, why must you have to associate yourself with other human beings in the first place? 

Having friends means caring for their well-being, listening to them, and putting up with all their drama. Who wants that?

Since you’re moving away in a year, you probably won’t even see a fraction of the students in your class again. Time to move on. Aim for some more mature friends. Socialize with college kids, go to parties, get drunk, get pregnant, do whatever. High school is basically a thing of the past. 

Still not convinced? Fine. If you really want some friends, you can have some of mine. I know a guy named Mac. He’s pretty entertaining. I sometimes just stare at him for hours. Sincerely, Brandon

                                Dear Brandon,

My friends are starting to leave me because I hang out too much with this one girl. What should I do?

Sincerely,Tyger

                                                                                                         Dear Tyger,

What I will say now has been said countless times before. Bros before hoes. It’s as simple as that. Can you really blame your friends? Ask yourself if they are  leaving you or if you are leaving them. 

If you’re spending that much time with this girl, then are your friends really your bros? 

Who needs girls anyways? What does this girl have that your friends can’t offer? Intelligence? Personality? Boobs? 

I’m sure you can find a dude with all these traits. Well, maybe not the first one, but definitely the other two. 

Honestly, just give up. What are even the chances that this girl likes you back. Don’t lie. Guys don’t hang out with girls just to be friends. 

How can this girl like you when your alias is Tyger? What even is that? Just forget her. You probably won’t even see this girl again once you graduate. Don’t worry dude. Things get better after high school.

            Sincerely, Brandon

Send your questions to Brandon Victoriano at [email protected]