Four men on a quest to satisfy their hunger the only way they know how, a fat burrito that sits in their stomach. 

The quest was long, ardous, and dangerous but all who embarked survived. This is their story.

Mexxi’s calls itself a “authentic Mexican restaurant,” but that couldn’t be much farther from the truth. 

We knew we were in trouble from the second we rolled up to the taqueria and saw a flock of basic white girls file in through the door ahead of us. After waiting for the cashier to explain to them that, no, Mexxi’s doesn’t sell frappuccinos, it came time for us to order our food. 

Patrick and Brendan were both immediately disappointed, as they didn’t have chorizo or pastor. But the price was right – $7.95 was the cheapest burrito on our tour.

The chips were decent (despite being covered with a mysterious yet tasteless red powder), but they cost an additional dollar, and the salsa had no kick. It was very pleasing to see guacamole included with the carnitas burrito, though.

When our food came, everything looked promising. The burritos were larger than expected, and very warm. But it all went downhill from there.

The burritos weren’t necessarily bad. Let’s just say, they aren’t worth the stress they will put on your stomach and digestive tract. The meat had some flavor, but there was no spice to it at all.

Mexxi’s does have some things going for it. The atmosphere and style of the small taqueria are hard to beat, and included guacamole is always a plus. That being said, we would rather take out a second mortgage to afford Los Pericos than spend another penny at Mexxi’s.

Despite being located on the fringes of Dublin, we included Los Pericos in the burrito tour because of its longtime reputation of being the Tri-Valley’s most authentic taqueria. 

Los Pericos has everything one could want in an authentic  Mexican food place. They offer more types of meat than any other stop on our tour. There’s also a multitude of aguas frescas. You can never go wrong with a tasty cup of horchata.

Along with free tortilla chips for the bold, Los Pericos provides close to a dozen different types of salsa. 

The burritos themselves were extremely flavorful and juicy, and really big in size. As Patrick’s wise abuelito Manuel Mendoza once said, “If a Mexican restaurant can do their rice and beans right, then they can do anything.” Los Pericos does an excellent job in making their rice and beans flavorful.

The one major downside to Los Pericos is its tendency to jack up prices on a pretty frequent basis. We had to break the bank by paying a whopping $10.52 for a regular burrito. 

Words cannot describe how disappointing it is to have to include Chipotle, this self proclaimed “Mexican Grill,” but San Ramon has only two places to get a burrito and we needed a place to round things out. 

Walking in the first thing a person notices is the modern metropolitan furnishings more reminiscent of a happening uptown bar than burrito joint. We felt like we needed a cosmo more than a cold Modelo.   

There is no adventure in what is ordered at Chipotle.  It’s just a lukewarm, lumpy burrito that exists solely to satisfy the cravings of people who want Mexican food without having to actually eat Mexican food.

The burritos themselves tasted like bologna and mayonnaise on wonder bread. The blend of the burritos insides were far from evenly mixed, leading to bites of the gross white rice Chipotle tries to pass off as Mexican and bites of cold guacamole. 

If we have to pay extra for guacamole, we would like it evenly dispersed throughout the entire burrito experience.

That being said, Chipotle did have some good things going for it. The food comes out fast and there is a wide variety of whitewashed, mediocre options for the too-lazy-to-find-anywhere-else-to-eat crowd. 

And of all the restaurants reviewed, Chipotle had the highest risk of e. coli poisoning, so don’t be afraid to go out and support your local taqueria. The biggest ally of burrito complacency is food poisoning.

Our next stop on the tour was the highly reviewed Rancho Grande. Situated in a prime location near Nation’s, this taqueria has become a staple of many Cal students. 

Upon entering, we were immediately impressed with the authentic hole in the wall look and atmosphere. With classic mariachi music playing in the background, we ordered our burritos, which cost a modest $8.10. With a water cup and free chips and salsa, Rancho offers a rather affordable meal.

They also offer an arrangement of other beverages. Fountain soda, Jarritos and aguas frescas for most of us, and refreshing cervezas for the elders.

Despite the affordable price, Rancho Grande does not sacrifice flavor. The meat was very tasty and juicy, but lacked a strong kick. Rancho was also the least clean of all the locations we went to, which may be a plus or minus depending on what you’re looking for.

If you want an affordable meal in an authentic taqueria, Rancho is never too far away.

There you have it the finest and worst burritos in the valley. Now who wants tacos?