I got the test results of my suit back from the police. They’ve matched some of the residue on it to a very narrow list of locations, only one of which I could fathom to have been where I was held.

Accessing my amazing powers of stealth, I dilly-dallied minimally as I maneuvered my way toward the compound.

There were quite a few guards, so I took advantage of the maze of storage containers and flew straight over them. I don’t know what one has to do with the other, but bear with me.

After such an exhilarating flight I had to rest a bit, but my rest came right outside the facility back entrance.

Now here’s where it gets interesting!

Wait, my editor is talking to me, one sec…

Sorry about that! He just wanted to play some Egyptian War. I know right, you thought I was in trouble with my editor. So did I! Phew.

Anyway, what was I talking about? I forget. Nuts. At least I have some questions to answer!

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

What is the biggest animal threat in San Ramon?

Sincerely, Rabies Enthusiast

Dear Rabies Enthusiast,

First off, this is San Ramon. We’re a really urban city, not all that much animal activity.

Although our birds at lunchtime definitely count for something, those bastards. Flying around like they own the place.

Or coyotes! That’s actually a more serious one.

I’ve never actually been face to face with one, but I live on a hill near the outskirts of central San Ramon, and I hear them. They come in packs and yowl as they saunter around looking for prey.

I’m just curious as to why you want the information, given your pseudonym. You’d better just be enthused about getting rid of the disease, or I may have just doomed a small portion of my readership.

Since my readership probably includes only one person, small portion must mean an arm or other extremity. Good luck, reader.

Sincerely,

Woodward of Wisdom

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

I don’t know which girlfriend to keep. There are attached photos.

Sincerely, (name cannot be run)

Dear (name cannot be run),

Sir, you have come to the right place.

All you have to do is bring them all to the same date at the same time, preferably a restaurant, ritzy and romantic. If, by the time they have all realized what kind of relationship they are in and have not yet stripped you of some skin and all of your social dignity, you’re golden for step two.

Step two is always my favorite. Excuse yourself for a breath of fresh air outside, requesting privacy. One of three things will happen.

Your suitors may create an exciting display of territoriality for you to watch (this ends in no girlfriend for you, but much amusement).  Or they will collaborate to hate your guts and stuff you in your own trunk to drop you off a cliff or in southern Mexico. This also results in no girlfriend for you, and much less amusement.

The third outcome is that one of them comes out to talk to you. Depending on how you handle it, she’ll accept stuff, hopefully stand up for herself, and you’ll have to grovel for her. If after all this she still wants to be with you, she’s the keeper. Do away with the other two.

But just so it’s clear, I openly disrespect you for even creating this situation.

Godspeed, Woodward of Wisdom.