Sheriff Stephen Haskell of Sublette County, Wyo., which spans the great metropolises of Pinedale, Big Piney and Marbleton and home to 10,041 people, has banned the wearing of cowboy attire by police officers while on the job.

Who is this pleb to tell police officers what to wear while serving their county with aplomb, sangfroid and poise?

These men protect the citizens of Sublette from cattle rustlers, shootouts, falling into haystacks, and slipping on patches of ice.

These requirements were turned around and used by Haskell to validate his choice. As any vaquero will tell you, sliding on ice in spurs results in strained groins.

Cowboy hats are very susceptible to being shot off in a shootout with Billy the Child holding his infamous potato gun. Haskell also wanted to make the police force look more unified with uniforms, instead of having them look like a gang of fools.

“[The police] looked like the Skittles Platoon,” said Haskell.

Skittles Platoon, as serious movie buffs know, was a 1987 movie starring Charlie “Rainbow” Sheen and Graham Green, directed by Oliver Storange.

This appalling alteration to the apparel of Wyoming law enforcers comes not without its own consequences.

A deputy, Gene Bryson, who’d been keeping the peace for 40 years, decided to hand in his badge rather than hang up his 10-gallon hat.

“[A cowboy hat] looks good to me in the sheriff’s department,” said Bryson. “It’s Western. It’s Wyoming.”

Of course it is. What could be more Wyoming than dressing like a fantasy character devised in the late 1800s to sell tickets to shows designed to trick hardworking Americans out of their hard-won dollar? Just guys having feuds!

Cowboys, as a symbol, were first shown in popular media in 1903 in “The Great Train Robbery,” a 12-minute silent movie. It took only 112 years for Wyoming to squelch it.

The Vaquero of yesteryear can exist no longer in the 10th largest state in the union, at least on the job.

Like in Mullay, Utah, where the city council voted unanimously last October to ban “Harem” pants, mentioning in their decision that the having a harem was a privilege, not a right. Sublette County is quickly losing its flamboyance.

Parvo, Kansas has also restricted the sale of “crop tops” alleging they cause impressionable middle-schoolers to steal the leafy tops of profitable rhubarb bushes or to “turn up” on stolen turnips.

We need to take our garments back, America! A pants picket line, a spats strike, a roquelaure revolution!