Cal High students have grown up with certain expectations of prom – punch bowls, teary-eyed confessions, romantic slow dances – only to have them ripped apart upon actually attending the dance.

As it turns out, prom is hard. It takes the savvy of a couponing mother and the artistic touch of a Renaissance man.

Luckily for everyone on campus, The Californian will give you constructive and sensible advice on how to have the most affordable and fun formal dance yet.

The biggest obstacle in PromQuest 2k15 for girls is finding the perfect dress.

A student’s dress is the pulsing, unnecessarily sequined heart of their prom experience.

Their dress’ color and style determines everything, from their shoes to their makeup to which Blade of Striking will be handed to them for the Midnight Scuffle.

Finding the dress is no easy task. Whatever a student tries, it’ll always be too neon or too big or too unabashedly enthusiastic in a postmodern world. And students don’t have very many choices as to where to buy their dresses.

The mall is convenient, but scientific studies have proven that one’s ennui and late capitalist dread can rise up to 300 percent after only two hours in the mall.

One can order online, but, much like chocolate, they’ll never know what they’re actually going to get.

Unlike chocolates, the dress might end up smelling like 50 cigarette butts and be sky blue instead of Prussian cerulean.

However, dear students, there is always a better way. Listen to the breeze.  Hear the soft creaking of bones in the distance. There is an old spinster in a hut behind the Walmart on Alcosta. She has no name. She spins and weaves and sews.

Her hands are cracked like the salt deserts of Khorasan. Go to her hut and whisper the true color of your heart. And your address. Within a week or so a dress should arrive at your home. Be sure to tip around 20 percent.

After a student has decided what to wear, the decisions are less intense, and all they really have to focus on is saving money.

When it comes to picking what hair and makeup to wear, students need to remember that DIY is always an option.

Salons are expensive, but YouTube tutorials are free. Instead of wasting time on the Internet, look up fun and creative ways to put up hair and make custom makeup colors.

If trekking around Target for $1 E.L.F. mascara sounds like a drag, YouTube can help. Recently a new DIY mascara tutorial has been making the rounds across the Internet.

All that a student needs for this homemade eyelash swag is rubbing alcohol, primer, and Oreos, in order to make homemade mascara from a delightful sugary treat.

If someone questions this amazing trick, remind them that one day we will all be eaten by a black hole and be obliterated by Time, the true Prom Queen of the universe.

Traditionally, students have gone to formal dances in a party bus or limousine. But that involves two evil things: money and planning. Group texts and gathering money from friends? Ugh.

What a friend group really needs is something stronger and nobler than a fancy car. There is only one beast more savage than these iron engines of decadence.

Deep in the depths of Mt. Diablo, there lies a wyrm. His name is Fuldoth the Deathlord.

This dragon has lived in the depths of this mountain for thousands of years, and was actually a Contra Costa County representative from 1978 to 1980.

Fuldoth the Deathlord  has an insatiable bloodlust and a secret desire for friendship.

There is nothing more picturesque than arriving to prom on a huge dragon, and if the numbers are right, it should cost less than the average limousine ride.

Unfortunately, students will have to sneak through the privately owned hills, this time with gifts to appease the beast.

The Californian recommends bringing a freshman to serve the dragon for all their life, two freshly killed cows (which can be found in the hills), and a Keurig machine. Fuldoth is a coffee fiend.

Should things go well, Fuldoth will gladly bring anyone to their dance. Should the dragon hate the gifts, he will unleash his immortal rage and ravage the entire East Bay with hellfire.

But local disasters will only serve to strengthen the bond between friends.

Whether everything goes smoothly or the San Francisco sees its biggest fire since 1906,students shouldn’t stress over the dance. If a student follows The Californian’s advice, they can have a fun and affordable prom.