In a taste test by professional taste testers, aka The Californian’s fourth period class, we have concluded that the Lay’s potato chip company has officially lost its mind.

Five bags of bizarrely-flavored Lay’s potato chips were  recently tasted and rated on a scale from 1-5, with  1 being equivalent to stubbing your toe against sandpaper, and 5 being the utmost glory of the re-opening of Cal High’s campus for lunch.

The highest-rated chip by far was Tapatio, which echoed hints of savory Mexican-ness and was considered to be “really spicy” by a certain newspaper adviser.

The bag itself has a picture of a man with a sombrero and cool mustache, and he beckoned me with his blue eyes to pick him off the shelf of Nob Hill and consume him. It was guaranteed to be a winner, and so it was with a winning average score of 3.79.

Although Pico de Gallo was the second-most popular flavor with a solid 3.64, I personally disliked it because of my absolute hatred of cilantro. I have a sister that spent a year abroad in Mexico, and now insists on using the garnish on every single cuisine she makes.

The mere smell of that horrid green embellishment makes my stomach turn when it is in real pico de gallo, let alone an artificially flavored potato chip version.

Staffers had a wide range of descriptive words to voice their criticism, including comments such as “unsatisfying,” “bland,” “strange,” and “vegetables.” Something seemed a little fishy, but I couldn’t tell if it was the fat this flavor ended up in the second spot, or foreign seaweed-y taste of the chips.

The Ranch flavor was completely unnecessary. I had to double-check the bag to make sure that it was not Sour Cream & Onion, since it tasted nearly identical. It finished in the middle with a score of 3.32, appropriate for a total rip-off flavor. There was enough raunchy ranch to the point where I was surprised that it didn’t come with some cattle and a lasso.

Next came Chile Limón, which despite having a cool accent above the “ó” came in fourth place with a lame score of 3.08. It may have fared better if Tapatio was not in the picture, for they tasted nearly identical, but Tapatio had a touch more of a zesty kick. Chile Limon’s wisps of citrus were detectable, yet overall were too reminiscent of a hot Cheeto.

Take a minute to imagine real Garlic Cheesy Bread in your mind. Mmm, warm from the oven, chock-full of calcium and fat, pungently wafting across your entire kitchen and into a neighbor’s open window.

Now imagine the Lay’s potato chip flavored equivalent, which was absolute garbage. The crunch of the chip was simply not enough to mask the undeniable taste of feet and toenail fungus. This chip rightfully received the lowest score of 2.

Ironically, this chip was the winner of the “Do us a Flavor” competition, in which the winner received $1 million.