You know, there’s really nothing that I enjoy more than the sight of two high schoolers going at it like hormonal chimpanzees.

While a little peck here and there is common enough year-round, the few weeks that precede homecoming bear witness to a dramatic rise in displays of overly amorous affection around campus, otherwise known as public displays of affection, or PDA.

In the hallways, in the bathrooms, in the band storage areas. Any place that’s wide enough to fit a pair of passionate adolescents who are desperate to get to first-and-a-half base, they will be found, grappling with each other like pro-wrestlers.

Except I’m pretty sure that pro-wrestlers don’t stick their tongues down their opponent’s throat.

Watching them is like watching poetry in motion. The awkward groping, the loud mouth-breathing, and the strange snuffling sounds they make are truly a hallmark of the high school experience.

The bizarre attempts at sweet-talking are especially memorable. Phrases of linguistic brilliance such as “Oh” and “Yeah” seem to be favorites, especially when the couple in question is situated in front of a place of mild importance. Like a water fountain. Or  someone else’s locker. Or the principal’s office.

I’ve been the onlooker for more than my fair share of makeout sessions, most of which were performed by complete strangers. It’s easier when they’re strangers. You can just duck your head, mutter “‘scuse me” and be on your merry way.

The true test is when one or both parties are your acquaintances, or worse, friends. This is a situation in which there is no easy answer.

Do you pretend you didn’t see it? Do you do that awkward nod-smile thing? Do you thrust your head between theirs and scream a friendly greeting?

For the majority of the year, this isn’t a problem. But in the cursed period of the last week of September to the third week of October, it’s an issue that becomes incredibly prevalent.

The fact that tonsil hockey season takes place right before homecoming is no coincidence. It’s not just that the high concentrations of pumpkin spice in their systems is causing students to become more ardent. They’re practicing for the season finale, the homecoming dance.

This one night of muggy air, bad music, and epilepsy-inducing strobe lights is the big payoff for the hours spent swapping spit. It’s where many fledgling couples take their relationship to the coveted next level, the funky chicken dance.  And by “funky chicken dance,” I mean grinding. Those chickens sure do get….funky.

For those who are unaware, grinding describes the delightful process in which one member of a romantic couple positions their “no-no zone” against the posterior of the second partner, and proceeds to vigorously….undulate themselves. And by “undulate themselves,” I mean they pelvic thrust so energetically it’s incredible that nobody breaks a hip.

Grinding takes every aspect of the classic PDA – inappropriate touching, unidentifiable stickiness, and uncomfortable bystanders – and elevates them to a whole new level. If PDAs were a Pokémon, grinding would be the final evolution.

Lord have mercy on those poor school administrators that attempt to keep everything “clean and fun” on homecoming night. They may fling themselves into the tightly-packed mosh pit of sweaty teenage bodies, screaming “No dirty dancing!” But their efforts are futile, and they are swallowed by the writhing mass of highschooler passion, never to be seen again.

While many endeavors have been undertaken to end this autumn epidemic of adolescent ardor, they have been met with failure. There’s no stopping it; teenagers just get really horny in October.

It’s not that PDAs are bad, exactly. It’s just that there’s a fine line between “sweet romantic gesture” and “this looks like a scene from a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation video.”

As long as both participants keep their tongues in their mouths and their hands off each other’s butts, there’s no reason that the fall season can be mostly free of uncomfortable incidents of lascivious exhibition.

Mostly.