Well guys, it’s official. I’ve been stolen.

I’ve always dreamed about situations like this. About what I’d do, the hidden messages I’d sneak through. Then my kidnapper gives me a pen and paper and says he’ll tell The Californian to keep printing my stuff. I can’t figure him out.

I suppose I deserve this. The puns I’ve heinously thrown around with abandon have killed multiple people.

Wait shh! He’s coming.

So, I just talked to him. He said something about his parents. He was angry, very angry. They’d died when he was just a small child.

One of my stray puns had gone rogue and brought his world crumbling on top of him, starting with his family.

The groans could be heard for miles.

Then he gave me a bunch of questions to leaf through. Though he’s letting me write about everything that’s happening to me, he’s still forcing me to continue my column. So let’s get to it.

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

My parents see my grades as their daughter more than their actual daughter. How do I get them to see me as more than a GPA?

Sincerely, More Than a Letter Grade

Dear More Than a Letter Grade,

On the unforgiving waters of school, that is a boat that many sail in. And boy does it suck.

My experience with such trifles isn’t too expansive, though I have learned to counter it when the problem does arise.

Right now, I’m guessing most of your time is completely devoted to school-related activities. The way you spend your time greatly contributes to your image, the image your parents see.

They see you working on school all the time, so naturally your grades should be perfect. When they aren’t, they see that time wasted, their daughter’s time wasted, so they pressure you to make your grades perfect so none of it goes to waste.

Solution! Work on your image outside of school. Get a job that’s not just a retail clerk or restaurant employee, something that reflects who you are. Begin one of your own projects, something you like to do.

For example, I worked as a camp counselor for theatre for a summer, and I’m writing a novel. That gives me a pretty decent presence outside of school. I also do things around the house for my parents randomly, that makes them happier.

I hope that described your situation accurately, or at least gave you some ideas.

If none of that works, you’ve got two more options.

One, you can take part in school pranking. But good ones. Bad ones like carving 2014 in the lawn are just disgraceful and rude. Cal High gardeners probably spend a good deal of time keeping the lawn looking perfect.

No, I’m talking things like flash mobs or impromptu concerts in the quad. Concealed pyrotechnics at strategic points around the school set to shoot flame into the sky whenever the bells ring. Wow, I’m pretty good at this.

Oh hey, admin. Fancy meeting you here.

So guys, don’t do that. It’s a bad idea.

But still. If you’re going to do a senior prank, at least make it good and don’t damage anything. Oh dear, I got off topic. Hopefully that helped, and good luck.

Sincerely, Woodward of Wisdom

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

I’m preparing to leave civilization. Am I ready?

Sincerely, Free Billy

Dear Free Billy,

Oh the irony. I’ve been kidnapped.

But this isn’t about me!.It’s about you, though I don’t know you.

Surprisingly, it doesn’t matter where you go. All you need is food, water, and a Swiss Army knife.

You’re going to the woods. Entering with what’s in your backpack and your iron-clad will. You can kill and eat animals with the knife. You can create fire to cook it with using the file.

You can cut branches up to weave into a hammock and use the corkscrew to tie it into the side of two trees. It’s perfect.

You’re going to live on the ocean. You could somehow use the multi-tool to cut and weave branches together to make a raft.

Depending on how much time you’re willing to spend, you can create a makeshift dinghy or a commercial yacht. Just, you know, without all the electricity and wifi.

While out on the ocean on your raft, you can catch fish with the knife, jumping into the frigid waters like an amazon warrior, bringing your metallic judgment through the liquid realm’s denizens.

Or live in the mountains as a hermit. Nobody knows how they do it, but a Swiss Army knife couldn’t hurt. Well, unless you stab yourself.

If you’re past the point where you know the handle from the tools, then yes. You are ready.

Sincerely, Woodward of Wisdom

Well, Cal students, I really hope I get to write to you again. I have no idea what my kidnapper has planned for me, or if he ever plans to let me go. Whatever happens, I know you need advice, and I’m your dealer. I’ll find a way. Until next time, Woodward of Wisdom