Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

How do I make friends?

Sincerely, Lone Wolf

Dear Lone Wolf,

It was a dark, stormy, and lonely night. I’d gathered all the supplies. Glancing quickly over my shoulder, I bent down over my work and got started.

I worked all through the night. Combining things, adding others, and soon a pungent yet pleasant odor had filled the room.

A fork of lightning cracked the air itself by my window, followed by a boom that shook my quarters. I should’ve read it as a sign, but I continued my work.

Hours went by, and I found it easier than I’d previously thought to add my blood, sweat, and tears.

The bubbling in the cauldron seemed to whisper words to me, but I couldn’t understand them.

Finally, I was ready to add the final ingredient. Love.

I took the bottle of love off of my shelf. A warm rose fragrance came off of it as I poured it into the mix. I stood back to watch the magic.

Steam and wind blasted toward me as the contents of my concoction fused and meshed and formed something entirely different.

The steam finally cleared.

Standing before me was my new friend. 🙂

Well, that’s how I do it. I’ve heard other people attend social events and get involved in online human collaborations. Start easy with large, anonymous Internet things, perhaps an mmo game with a chat function, to get your social skills up to par. Just keep practicing there until you can move to something more personal, maybe social networking.

Finally, your ultimate goal is to move these skills to the real world and talk to people in person like you’ve been doing online. It’s tough, but I believe anyone can do it with enough practice and determination.

Good luck Lone Wolf and all the others in your pack.

Sincerely,

Woodward O’Wisdom

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

Will you go to prom with me?

Sincerely, All the Single Ladies.

Dear All the Single Ladies,

Thanks for asking, but this land already has a flag in it. *smiles to himself because people are finally noticing him as a tear rolls down his cheek because he made up the question*

Sincerely,

Woodward O’Wisdom

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

Do you make any of your own questions?

Sincerely, Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,

Your timing is uncanny.

Sincerely,

Woodward O’Wisdom

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

Have you noticed that guy in the background of all your photos for this column?

Sincerely, Concerned Third Party

Dear Concerned Third Party,

Oh my god you’re right. What the heck? He’s in at least three of them. My photographers and I didn’t notice him during the shooting. What is he doing there?

That’s actually kind of, um, concerning.

Well hey, if you notice anything else, let me know. I’ve been told I don’t have the best skills of observation. Case in point.

Sincerely,

Woodward O’Wisdom

Dear Woodward o’ Wisdom,

There’s this girl I like, but my parents want me to focus on academics. What do I do?

Sincerely, Asian Romeo

Dear Asian Romeo,

Dude, that sucks, but there are a few ways you could take this. First, you could go behind their back and shield your flying sparks from the dampening presence of your parents.

Second, keep things at school. If you’re going to ask her out, you probably should take her on a first date. But then just keep your relationship on campus so they have no reason to find out.

Third, if she’s a really awesome girl and actually could motivate you to be a better person and all that mushy stuff, maybe you could convince your parents that she’s not actually a bad thing.

Or not. I don’t know your parents.

You can also not tell your parents and instead dishonor your family. Feel the shame as it starts to rain. Run away with the girl and make a new name for yourself.

Sincerely,

Woodward O’Wisdom