Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

Any tips on surviving a zombie apocalypse?

Sincerely, Patient Zero

Dear Patient Zero,

I knew I’d get asked this question sometime before the end of the year.

I’m afraid it’s already too late for you, patient zero. But in the spirit of helping people survive you, search no further, you’ve come to the right person.

People always say the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse is raid food and shoot first. I’m here to tell you differently.

It’s all about feelings. Zombies still have brains.  And if they still have brains that means they can still care.

So here’s what I think you should do. Go to the store and get all of the scented candles you can find. Once you’ve gotten those, go to the crystal section and get the most aesthetic refractions you can find.

Take those home and hang them around the house, the candles all set up just in case. And maybe a few washcloths or something.

This would also be a good time to light some candles for meditation. Think about all the places your life could’ve gone and all the places it could still go. People to meet and stuff.

Then finally, when a zombie comes into the house, kick them right out, light a washcloth and throw it at them. Zombies are very flammable, trust me.

Oh, the scent and crystals? That’s just to help you feel better during the reign of living dead. And to help you feel more peaceful while watching the flaming corpse of something with feelings on your porch.

I hope this helped! Sometimes the zombie apocalypse can be more a war in the mind than outside of it.

Keep your head steady. Good luck.

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

If you could fill a pool with any liquid, what would it be?

Sincerely, Unmotivated Phelps

Dear Unmotivated Phelps,

I know exactly what I would put in it. Bubbly water.

Can you imagine swimming in a pool of bubbly water? All those tiny bubbles floating up over your body, that would feel so goofy. But of course that’s not the only reason why.

Because of course I’d put a submarine in there. And then I’d tie a bunch of balloons to said submarine. The bubbles in the water would slowly start filling up the balloons, and soon enough there would be enough air in it to float away.

It’s like an aquatic version of Up! Sort of.

What could I do in a flying submarine? I could easily terrorize villagers. I could go sightseeing. But nah, those aren’t good enough.

I would become a god, that’s what I’d do.

I would go to one of those indigenous Australian tribes, and all they would see is my submarine with balloons tied to it. Without their own education system, they really wouldn’t have any other choice but to believe I’m a deity.

They would probably worship me and give me free food. I wouldn’t need to do anything anymore, I’d have a steady supply of free food and all of my other needs.

That’s it, I’m packing up and moving to Australia.

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

I draw my inspiration from Michael Jackson. Should I be worried?

Sincerely, Shamone

Dear Shamone,

No sir-ree you should not! It’s MICHAEL JACKSON!

*tugs on crotch with a high-pitched noise of exuberance*

I’m gonna be honest here, I’ve spent a good amount of time in front of the mirror trying to bust a move like that well-defined specimen. When it didn’t work, I asked that man in the mirror to change his ways.

Someday I just want to walk into school backwards, using his technique of feigned weightlessness called “moonwalking.” Is it back toe down? Or front? How do I lean?