Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

People keep finding me in their closet. Is there a better place for me to hide?

Sincerely, the Monster

Dear the Monster,

First off, let me say that I really hope you’re a monster and not, well…that creep next door.

Second, I must say that I myself do not know all the ways of hiding for a scare. I don’t have a little sister to make it worthwhile.

Nevertheless, I shall reveal my secrets to you.

The ceiling. Oh boy, oh boy ,the ceiling. It’s easy to get up there, through the attic or strategically placed ceiling tiles.

Picture this: you’re laying down in bed, slowly drifting off, when a large thump comes from right above your body. Then thumps are heard sporadically from all points of your ceiling, with you having no idea what’s causing it.

Then when they’ve just about had it, you punch it and bust through.

Oh the screams. Such beautiful piercings of silence as ever did reach my ears.

If that doesn’t work, there are always places to learn. Hogwarts or Monster’s University maybe. I don’t know about tuition for the university, but you just need a letter in the mail when you’re 11 for Hogwarts.

Good luck, soldier, and sweet dreams. 😉

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

I beat pokemon. What do I do with my life now?

Sincerely, Ash Caughtem

Dear Ash Caughtem,

I…

I don’t even know what to say.

YOU’RE THE LOWEST PIECE OF FILTH ON THE BOTTOM OF XERNEAS’ HOOF!!!

How dare you beat Pokemon! They have rights too! Domestic violence will not be tolerated in my column, or anywhere for that matter, especially when directed at Pokemon!

Did it make you lose a trainer battle? Was it useless in catching another pokemon? No matter. Violence is not the answer.

Dear Woodward o wisdom,

I am a very lazy person when it comes to studying for finals. Is there a painless way to take in the information without completely destroying my will to live?

Sincerely, Academic Doomsdayer

Dear Academic Doomsdayer,

Hahaha, oh dear. Studying? You’ve come to the wrong person. I’ve got plenty of ideas for you to do in place of studying.

Before I say anything else, I must point out that autocorrect had to help me out with spelling “academic.” Thank you for that bittersweet dagger of irony. I really appreciate it.

Watch TV.

Sleep.

Social media.

Um, sleep.

Wait a minute, some of these can be combined.

Ever heard of putting your textbook under your pillow and absorbing the whole darned thing? It has yet to work for me, but I’m trying. I suggest you give it a shot as well.

Actually, when I do homework while exercising (usually my stationary bike or core workout), I end up getting a weird amount done. I start with a feeling of death, but the exercise takes my mind off of it and zippity-zap-bang I know what an encyclopedia is.

Ooh, and music. Music helps everything, have you noticed? There’s a genre for every situation.

Y’know, first I should actually figure out what studying is.

…

Well, I just looked it up in the dictionary. Turns out I can’t read. Oh well, back to bed. Good luck on finals.