Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

Oh?

Sincerely, Unconcerned Third Party

Dear Unconcerned Third Party,

No, sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you!

Sincerely, Woodward of Wisdom

He he, little does this unconcerned third party know that I have stolen a hair sample. It has their DNA in it, and I have been collecting DNA from every person who sends me a question. Obviously people who send me questions are the best kind of people.

From all this DNA I will create switch traits of every person I’ve taken from, each activated by a deprecate gamma wavelength. With the laser on steroids I will create, I can blast myself with any of these wavelengths and become anybody I want. I could be any of you. Nobody is safe from me. Eventually I will find the sequence of perfected human performance and become a superhuman.

STOP!

Why does every columnist here end up coming up with ideas about taking over the world? Admittedly, this is a really cool idea, but let’s just keep it at LOL, you guys look funny whilst losing a small chunk of hair.

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

I was at the grocery store and I keep seeing so many types of potatoes. How do I know which one to choose?

Sincerely, Potato Head Case

Dear Potato Head Case,

While you were standing at the potato stand wondering which kind to pick, I’ve turned into my own personal power plant.

Using a carefully constructed wire mesh, I’ve constructed a matrix of potato, zinc, and copper wires, causing a giant chain chemical reaction, ionizing the molecules of each potato, stealing the electrons for my own purposes. So far I haven’t had to give PG&E any of my ruddy money.

Ooh, I’ve got an idea. Let me just connect this here and shove that there, and voila! I have successfully –BEEEEEEEEEEEW–Oh dear. Now I’ve gone and done it.

If any of y’all have experience any power outages recently, it was, uh, aliens. Yes, aliens, now shush.

Anyway, I’ve figured out that, from the high phosphoric acid content of sweet potatoes, they are the best kind of potato for generating electricity. There may also be a correlation between their high copper and zinc content, but that has yet to be proven.

Or, if you just want plain French fries, russet potatoes are the way to go.