Dear Cordially Clouse,
I asked this girl to ball and we went together, but I’m not sure what our relationship status is now. How do I know if we’re a couple yet?
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused,
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I just fell asleep on the keyboard that’s how boring your question was.
I don’t care about your problems I just want an A in this class.
You just got lawyered son,
Cordially Clouse
Dear Cordially Clouse,
Try and try as I might, nobody seems to take me seriously. I built some nuclear weapons and because they didn’t work, everybody laughed at me. I threatened war, and people called me fat. As such a formidable world superpower yourself, what should I do to make people quake with fear at my presence?
Lil Kim
Dear Lil Kim,
It looks like you’re trying to run a dictatorship. Would you like some help with that?
Of course you do ,you animal; otherwise you wouldn’t have written to me for help.
There a few things that you need to know to be a dictator. First off, you need a support system, people that can go around and kill anyone that thinks too much. After all, you can’t kill everyone yourself, you need at least a few crazy crackas who can die for you.
Make sure you tax your population highly. Also, never give your supporters too much money, or provide too much support for your people.
For example, if a natural disaster occurs, don’t provide anybody with help at the expense of your coalition, but make sure people don’t flee the ravaged area. If you really want to put the cherry on top, make sure that you create a cult of personality.
You didn’t expect me to be serious,
Cordially Clouse
Dear Cordially Clouse,
Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku, the shape-shifting Master of Darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil. But a foolish Samurai warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me.
Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time and flung him into the future, where my evil is law. Now the fool seeks to return to the past, and undo the future that is Aku. What should I do?
Aku
Dear Aku,
Before the final blow is struck, tear open a portal in time and fling him into the future where your evil is law. Even if the fool seeks to return to the past, and undo the future that is Aku.
Back to the past,
Cordially Clouse
Dear Cordially Clouse,
What are you doing over the summer?
Mick Mirey
Dear Mick Mirey,
As an individual who recently totalled her car, my plan for the summer is to coddle female dogs, and make money. I will be working at the San Ramon Community Center as a counselor for young children whose parents obviously don’t love them because they drop them off all day at a camp where I am in a place of power.
I will spend the entire summer both collecting revenue and raising an army of mini Clouses to do my bidding.
Kind of like Salt. Did you see that movie? If not, you need to check it out. It had Angelina Jolie in it.
Anyway after I’ve successfully brainwashed at least seven small children, my legacy will have been solidified and I can die in peace finally. My spirit will transform into a majestic river otter and I will spend the rest of my days being adorable.
I hope my boss doesn’t read this,
Cordially Clouse
