Dear Readers,

Well, you exceeded my non-existent expectations, but really not by much. I got one response from an acquaintance, one from my teacher, one from my best friend, and one from an anonymous somebody who I think is probably Maureen.

Anyway, after I finally climbed down from the roof with a little help from the police and recovered from my soda/energy drink hangover, I decided to gather my responses into something mildly coherent.

I’ll go back to the regular format after this prodigious failure. But for now, I’m gonna sit back because you guys did all my work for me.

Something witty,

Cordially Clouse

My birthday is coming up on May 17. What are you going to get me?

P.S. I’m turning 18.

Dear Cordially Clouse,

For your 18th birthday party the newspaper class plans to stop everything we’re doing, even if we’re on deadline, rent a Greyhound bus and drive the entire class to Chuck E. Cheese and turn you loose while all hopped up on Skittles and Starbucks. After terrorizing Chuck E. with loads of screaming children and face-planting into your cake, we’re all going to your backyard to jump for hours in the new bouncy house the class purchased for your big day.

Or maybe we’ll just half-heartedly sing you the “Happy Birthday” song and throw funky smelling Goldfish at your head.

@briantbarr

Dear Mr. Barr,

My only birthday wish is to know Chuck E. Cheese’s actual middle name.

You shouldn’t have,

Cordially Clouse

I fill the void in my soul by crushing other people’s dreams when they write to me seeking for honest advice. That’s how I get all of my entertainment.

I  respond sarcastically to hide my true self.

Because the truth is, I’m a werewolf.

And it’s that time of the month again.

What should I do to prevent myself from going on a rampage at the full moon?

Dear Cordially Clouse,

I see you’ve gotten yourself into a bit of a pinch, haven’t you? I apologize profusely for my insolence and lack of Twitter activity. However, my ideals and sheer morals prevent me from using such a revolting and low-witted website.

Onto the answer.  A werewolf you say? Well, of course the only way to stop from transforming into a snarling, hairy, terrible beast at the full moon is to drink a magical pixie elixir found only in the mountains of Zimbabwe. Yes, Zimbabwe.

First, you must travel to the river Styx (the one in Zimbabwe). Or possibly you should consult the witch doctor Tanzakink on the border of Ethiopia first, who will give you a magical key to unlock the door inside of the big green grass hillock that leads to the river Styx.

Promptly give the blind guy $5.15 for boat fare.  He will take you upriver to the mountains. In the mountains are flying jellyfish. Catch one with a net made of goat hairs. Squeeze the jellyfish onto a piece of toast, and then mash that toast up into a paste. Mix the jellyfish toast paste into water from the river, and drink it while chanting, “Oo la la ohm bu bum da!” 18 and a half times.

Or you could swallow a teaspoon of molten silver mixed with chocolate syrup. That works too.

I hope I provided you with some assistance.

Sincerely,

The chick who has straight across bangs and calls you “Clouse person”

Dear the chick who has straight across bangs and calls me “Clouse person,”

I followed your remedies exactly and am now a vampire.

Thanks a lot.

I sparkle because of you,

Cordially Clouse

Nobody will go out with me. Am I looking for love in all the wrong places? Or am I just cold.My dad says cold things can’t feel love. But what does he know. He’s a physicist.

How should I change to get a date? Or am I amazing just the way I am?

Dear Cordially Clouse,

You are amazing just the way you are!

P.S. Will you go to ball with me?

@visiblyghost

Dear visiblyghost,

Yes.

Sincerely,

Cordially Clouse