Dear Cordially Clouse,

How do I get into a good college without doing any work?

– @sfmandatory

Dear Sfmandatory,

You have about three options here:

1. Be a minority. Most schools have a quota of minorities they need to fill.  Extra props if you’re bilingual. And if you’re not a minority or bilingual, don’t worry. That’s what lying is for. Which people do all the time to get into college.

Pick whichever minority you most closely resemble. If you’re a regular ole tightey whitey, pretend like you’re albino.

Spend all of your time inside and bleach your hair. Wear white contacts so you look the the living impression of demon town.

For language skills, create a variety of guttural sounds to the tone of various emotions.

2. Be rich. Win the lottery or steal some money. Not from a bank, though, because banks are actually the hardest places to steal from, with the least money *the more you know*.

3. Be my best friend. It won’t help you get into college but I’m lonely.

If you follow these words of wisdom, you’re bound to get into an Ivy League school.  And if you don’t, it’s seriously not the end of the world. Try to have fun while you’re still young instead of constantly stressing about college.

Truth, Freedom, Justice,

Cordially Clouse

Dear Cordially Clouse,

I really wanted a girl to have asked me to Sadies. What should I have done?

– Forever Alone

Dear Forever Alone,

OK, first of all, girls might not be asking you out because you continue to cling to memes, which have been outdated since 2010.

Log out of 4chan, delete your account on Cheezeburger, and step outside into the sun. Once you’ve finished writhing on the floor in agony, take a shower. Be sure to use soap. On your body. Use the soap on your body.  Don’t eat it.

Get a haircut that isn’t completely lame, and at least one outfit that doesn’t make old ladies want to pinch your cheeks. If you need fashion advice see Exhibit A: me.

Girls like it when you are aloof and rebellious. Take on the ‘bad boy/girl’ persona.  Make sure that you completely ignore them whenever they talk to you. Answer any direct questions with monosyllabic replies.

If a response truly requires more than that, it isn’t worth your time, so answer by rolling your shoulders, looking off to the side and saying, “whatever,” while you adjust the toothpick in your mouth.

Cover yourself in pheromones. Pretty soon, you’ll be a chick magnet.

Now you can start a small organic farm.

The success from your egg sales will make you a desirable target for any woman who plans ahead.

That was wordplay,

Cordially Clouse

Dear Cordially Clouse,

I am one quarter Cambodian, half Russian, and the rest of me is a mix between Native American and Djiboutian.

I look like a Spanish man with light skin and thin eyes. I’m wondering what color I should dye my hair.

– Confused Combination

Dear Confused Combination,

Whoa there.  Hold up a minute.

You shouldn’t be worrying about dying your hair because you should be getting into college. See the first response.

But if you’re truly committed to changing your appearance I would suggest mint because it’s my favorite color.

It’ll be delicious. You’ll look like a fairy.

A pretty, pretty, mystical fairy.

I will come to your house and throw chocolate chips at your head.

Yeah,

Cordially Clouse

Need some advice? You better believe it. Why not ask Cordially Clouse on Twitter @cordiallyclouse. Look for your response next month.