Dear Cordially Clouse,

My parents don’t care about me or my grades. But I still get A’s and good scores. What is wrong with me?

– Foreva Alone

Dear Foreva Alone,

I’m sorry that your parents don’t do things like force you to study for hours in your room, become a classically trained musician, or labor for days in the rice fields (I know that MINE did), but you can’t let these things get you down.

I think that your problem is that you don’t receive enough freedom crushing attention from your parents to excuse both your good grades and test scores. So by quoting the great Z-Efron, I will impart upon you his wisdom: “You gotta getcha head in the game.”

Try becoming a local hero. Save a cat from a tree or roll in toxic waste so you can get ballin’ super powers. There’s a nuclear power plant around here. Somewhere. Or not. Whatever.

Or you can take a cue from the movie “Grease.” Get yourself and your friends to wear matching leather jackets. It’ll be completely butch dude, trust me. Hang out in reasonably well lit alleyways and snap in synchronization with your buddies.  Don’t worry, music is sure to randomly begin playing.

Be sure to follow these tips and your parents will begin living vicariously through you, hoping that you’ll become the success that they never could.

Welcome to the rice fields.

Cordially Clouse

Dear Cordially Clouse,

What should I do if I am stuck between two answers on a test and everyone in the class is looking at me, waiting for me to finish?

– Always Pick “C”

Dear Always Pick C,

Well, maybe it would help you if I described exactly how I take my tests, so you can use my methods to finish yours quicker and more efficiently.

First off, I take tests like I take my coffee.

I don’t drink coffee.

See, the joke there is that I don’t take tests and neither should you. I’m a problem solver. Everyone wants me on their corporate team. Peace.

Cordially Clouse

Dear Cordially Clouse,

My boyfriend is on the football team and I get jealous when he slaps the other guy’s butts. What should I do?

– What Abutt Me

Dear What Abutt Me,

If you’re jealous of your boyfriend, instead of talking to him about it, you should do the healthy thing and try to make him jealous of you.

Join a sports team, most ideally cheerleading. Be sure to give your teammates congratulatory slaps at each game. This will be sure to make your boyfriend (and his teammates) drool with envy.

You can also consider joining the football team. As a teammate, your boyfriend will be slapping you on the butt and all will be right with the world.

Mazel tov,

Cordially Clouse

Special thanks to Hailey Clark. I’ve posted a response to your letter online at www.thecalifornianpaper.com.

U go girl,

Cordially Clouse

Need some advice during this hell we call the holiday season? Why not ask Cordially Clouse on Twitter @cordiallyclouse.  Look for your response next month.