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Dear Cordially Clouse,

There are always a hoard of people in front of my locker. How do I make them leave so I can get my stuff?

– @emeereee

Dear Emeereeeeeeeee,

To diagnose your problem, I will begin by telling you a story. I’m only telling you this because I trust you, random stranger on the Internet.

When I was a mere freshman, seniors violently shoved me into lockers daily, which totally happens in real life and not just in ’ 90s movies. Because it would often be hours before my pitiful screeches brought on the help of an administrator, I began to carve an intricate set of tunnels using nothing but my trusty metal spork.

I built the tunnels to connect to the back wall of many of the school lockers and weave underneath the campus allowing me to escape from almost any locker. I found out soon, though, that the stresses of high school would sometimes overwhelm me and I would spend hours, days, even weeks in my underground rooms I had carved beneath the school.

And now I pass this knowledge onto you. Use the tunnels wisely. They will allow you to always be connected to your locker, as long as you don’t die of oxygen deprivation.

Hugs and Kisses,

Cordially Clouse

Dear Cordially Clouse,

I miss homecoming spirit days. How can I fulfill my burning desire?

– @xoxoecharlotte

Dear Charlotte,

Well, I really don’t know how you would fulfill your burning desire. I usually fill the void with chocolate and cats. But if you’re referring to what you can do now that homecoming is over, I have just the solution for you.

You might be saying to yourself, “Well, you’re probably just going to tell me to make my own spirit day,” to which I reply, “I don’t need your sass and that is NOT my answer.” I refuse to take the easy way out. Because this is the advice column Cal High deserves, but not the one it needs right now…and so you’ll read it…because you can take it…because we’re not just a school newspaper…we’re a source of information, a beacon of truth…The Californian.

Anyway I suggest going back in time. That’s it. I won’t tell you how.  Go do it before I make a Doctor Who reference.

With much justice and affection,

Cordially Clouse

Dear Cordially Clouse,

I don’t like Obama or Romney. Who should I have voted for?

– Concerned Patriot

Dear Concerned Patriot (Tate),

This is a problem that I think plagued many voters this year, young and old. However, there are a few candidates whose campaigns were so under the radar, you might have missed them.

Snoop Lion, the artist formerly known as Snoop Dogg, was actually a candidate in the 2012 presidential race. While most of his platforms rest on the goal of maranizing legualana, and he halfway through a press statement he switched to rapping about how tight he is with Brobama, he’s definitely one chill candidate. And while he might be a bit too lethargic to get anything good done, there’s a likely chance that he also won’t do anything bad.

Another  unknown candidate, Michael T. Duke, also put his bid in for presidency. As the CEO of Wal-Mart, it was no doubt a step in his plan to take over the world, which we all recognize is an inevitable fate anyway. So why not get it over with early and prepare to live under the Wal-Mart regime while we’re all still young and spry enough to work in sweat shops.

A third candidate you might not heard of is me. As a minor, many people did not take my campaign very seriously. I would have put a tub of glitter in every pot and a two combustible lemon launchers in every garage. In retrospect I admit that I might not have been the most qualified candidate, but I was definitely the coolest.

Xoxoxo,

Cordially Clouse

Need advice. Sure you do. Ask Cordially Clouse on Twitter @cordiallyclouse. Look for your responses next month.