Stefan Chapman
Advice Columnist

Dear Sincerely Stefan,
Sincerely Stefan is really weird. Why is Sincerely Stefan in the paper?
– Anonymous

It is time to tell you all a secret. Sincerely Stefan has actually been snuck into the paper for a year and a half. I think it is time I come clean.

My job in the newspaper class is to not get in the way, though I always seem to be.

I have asked issue after issue if I could please write a story for The Californian, but I have been denied the opportunity each time because that story would get in the way of other good stories.

That is why I created Sincerely Stefan. Right before the newspaper goes to press, I sneak into the newsroom, delete Ron Simmons’s advice column, and put mine in the paper. Ron has been writing an advice column for a year and a half, though you probably haven’t heard of him. His column has never been in the paper.

I have nothing against Ron. I just want to be a writer for the newspaper. Every issue, I sneak on campus, delete his answers for my own, and Photoshop pictures of me into the newspaper, just as any reasonable person would do.

Ron is very angry at me for this. I am very sorry, Ron. I apologize for Sincerely Stefan getting in the way.

This is not a true story, sorry for getting in your way.

– Sincerely Stefan

Dear Sincerely Stefan,
Every time I take a test in my math class, some kid who sits next to me is cheating off my paper. How can I get this to stop without getting him in trouble?
– Brigette Fabbri

Dear Brigette,

You’re going to have to take two tests. I came up this plan with my sophomore year, when I had the same problem.

The plan is to have a spare test that you pretend to take. The cheater will copy all of your fake answers and fail the test. You, on the other hand, will have a brand new test hidden underneath your fake one. That way you don’t have to worry about failing.

Another smart thing to do is scare the person who cheating off you. When you start to see them look over your way, turn and look them dead in the eyes with a scared look on your face. They will either feel very guilty or confused. Either way, you will have stopped the cheating for that test.

The best thing you could do to stop a cheater is to attract a lot of attention to the cheater. When you see him or her lean over and look at your test, start “cawing” like a bird. Everyone will turn and look at you, but the cheater will have received the message.

You also could just ask the teacher to move seats.

– Sincerely Stefan