by Stefan Chapman, advice columnist

Dear Stefan,

I never seem to have enough time to get to my classes. I’m always just a little late or five minutes late. I’m tired of getting detentions. What do I do?

– Nick Cocannouer

Dear Nick,

You obviously have caught a case of the “I’m Late to Class and I Have Almost No Urge to be on Time to Class When I Can Be Doing Cool Things Outside of Class Disease.” This disease is almost as rough as the name I gave it. It usually starts in middle school, but in some cases it doesn’t show until a student’s senior year.

There are multiple ways to cure the disease. One, get a giant clock. Wear it around your neck like Flava Flave. But unlike Flava Flave’s, make sure your clock is fully functioning.

When you feel as though a lot of time has passed, or you’re afraid of being late to class, yell “clock!” at students. Someone will probably tell you the time.

If you’re really dead set on not being late to class, you could never leave. When the bell rings stay in the class, hide if possible. You could stay there all night. When the teacher comes the next morning to unlock their classroom, pop out at them and scream, “Early!” They will be so surprised they will never mark you late again.

If you don’t feel like yelling at your teachers and peers, you could always listen for the late bell and just go to class then.

Sincerely,

Stefan

Dear Stefan,

Winters coming and every year it rains, and the rain is fine if they didn’t kick us out of the art building and main building. What excuse can I use to stay in these warm buildings?

–Cameron Coy

Dear Cameron,

Well Cameron, there are so many excuse that you could use, but only a few will work. If you say something like “It’s cold outside, and I just wanted to stay inside to keep warm,” they will throw you outside faster than something that is very fast.

You have to win them over. You have to know what teachers like. Talk in a soft voice and offer to grade some of their papers. Try and get these teachers to talk about themselves, so the pressure is off you. Ask about their kids.

You could even read up on the subject they are teaching. When they try and kick you out, ask them a relevant question about their subject, and see if they blush from the idea that they could ever kick you out.

If that doesn’t work, bring a jacket to school.

Sincerely,

Stefan

Dear Sincerely Stefan,

Why don’t I ever get to watch movies in my classes? I feel like my friends do, but I don’t.

–Raz Mostaghinni

Raz,

Because you‘re in school.

Sincerely,

Stefan