by Chris Cullen, staff writer

Before the “Twilight” craze started, I was living a normal life.

I spent my days going from class to class, never hearing from anybody that I sparkled in the sunlight.

I was an innocent, merry boy who lived completely free from the shame of being compared to a pop culture icon who shared my last name.

Recent years have left me a bitter man. As a true Cullen, it’s time I deliver vengeance upon the literary abomination known as “Twilight.”

Stephanie Meyer started writing the series after she dreamt about a vampire who was in love with a human, but also wanted to suck her blood.

Since the “good” vampires drink animal blood instead of human blood, I can only assume that she twisted it to make the main characters seem more bland than they were originally going to be.

The human character, Bella Swan, is actually pretty crazy once you think about it.

She thinks she’s psychologically tortured (when in reality she has a pretty average life) to the point where she was cliff jumping just so Edward would notice her.

Speaking of boyfriends, Edward is the embodiment of girls’ idea of “perfect.”

The original reasons that Bella was so attracted to him are as follows: A) He looks at her creepily, B) He watches her sleep at night, and C) He looks perfect in every way (as told by Meyer in one third of the book).

If I had any advice to Bella, I’d tell her that she shouldn’t be saying, “Aw, that’s so sweet.” and should rather be saying “Oh my God, he’s going to kill me in my sleep, I need to call the police!”

As bland as the characters are, one of them managed to actually be pretty interesting; Jacob Black.

When Edward leaves Bella because he’s “too dangerous to have around,” she starts spending time with the young werewolf so she could forget about her past.

While he’s actually very supportive of Bella, she ultimately leaves him for the technically-dead old guy who looks at her weird.

Imagine a teenager who’s more interested in their physical appearance.

While on the subject of Bella, her self-centered mind takes a turn for the worst in the fourth book, “Breaking Dawn,” as she allows herself to be turned into a vampire, marries Edward, and has a baby to top it all off.

Everyone says that she’s throwing her life away by doing this, but she’s totally convinced that she knows exactly what she’s doing.

Then again, it might be better if every girl in high school totally committed to a life-changing decision that they couldn’t take back, because nobody ever messes up at this age, right?

The worst factor in the “Twilight” series, however, is also the most psychotic – the fan base.

I’ve had several people hit me when I said that I don’t like “Twilight,” and some fans have even given me death threats.

Then again, when you’re a fan of a series involving a psychotic vampire, you’re bound to have some serious mental health problems.

Thus ends my grilling of the “Twilight” series.

These “vampires” don’t just suck blood, they pretty much just suck.